daddyPrimate’s return to fitness: A good collar makes things less terrifying.

Heading back into the garage for workout number 3 I was determined not to let another mid-lift disassembly occur and cause the terrifying sound of cast iron hitting the ground to interrupt my daughter’s sleep. It happened twice. TWICE.


So this weekend we made a family trip to the sporting goods store. That’s where I saw them, the clip style collars that hold weights oh so tightly in place. For $5/2pack. HELLO SOLD SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY.


Fast forward to this morning. I’m off of work, babyPrimate is down for a nap, and mommyPrimate is out for a job interview. I go back into the garage, clip on my new weight collars…and…THEY WORKED. SO SOLID. OMG. I CAN LIFT WITHOUT FEAR!


Fitness. Now a lot less terrifying.


daddyPrimate’s return to fitness: My garage gym is terrifying.


The first year of being a daddy added quite a bit of weight to my otherwise trim figure. Like 40 lbs. I started running a few months ago, and the bulk of it is gone, but with the new year mommyPrimate and I cleaned out the garage and set up a little home gym.

It terrifies me.

We have a flat bench, and a basic (very basic) set of free weights. The adjustable kind that you load onto the bar and screw down a clamp to hold together. 100% cast iron, like our favorite cookware. Very old. Like, I reclaimed it from being thrown out when my mom and her husband moved out of their old house.

Tonight, after my baby girl went to sleep, I snuck out to the garage for a workout. Things were going pretty great, really, when suddenly one of the clips on the end of one of the dumbbells lost its grip and sent a couple of cast iron plates to the floor.

I could have been injured, maimed, died, or even worse. That shit could have woken up my baby girl. If that’s not terrifying, I don’t know what is.

That said, I feel great.

Tis the season to lie to yourself.

It’s January, and every January a large portion of the American populace says “this is the year I will get in shape.”


Well, I’ve gotten in shape before, recently gotten out of shape, and a few months ago I started getting back into shape. I run a few nights a week, though I’ve taken the last couple of weeks off for the holidays. I plan on adding lifting back into the equation for the first time in a couple of years here in the next few days.

A lot of people fail, though. They start with the best of intentions and end up giving up. They haven’t learned the secret of fitness yet. Lie to yourself.


Talk to someone who runs long road races, like half-marathons and marathons. They’ll be all like, omg I love running! Running is the best thing in the world! You don’t need to take those anti-depressants anymore, just start running! Running will make all of your troubles go away! Bullshit.

Running hurts, being out of breath sucks, and there’s nothing intrinsically fun about it. Same with pretty much everything.

  1. Running: Not fun.
  2. Lifting: OK, but makes me puke sometimes.
  3. Yoga: Also OK, also makes me puke sometimes.
  4. Cross-training: Barf-city
  5. Cycling: Hurts the taint.
  6. Rollerblading: It’s not the 90’s anymore, but it hurt then.

The reason people don’t quit these endeavors is because they’re good enough at lying to themselves to make it believable.

It helps if you can lie to yourself and pretend greek yogurt with nuts and honey is just as delicious as a full English breakfast, or that spaghetti squash really is close enough to “pasta” to count (actually,spaghetti squash works in my book.)